Only momentum keeps me moving forward. The problem? It's progress without motivation. Progress for progress's sake. My perspective, clouded by everyday distractions and emotional maintenance, hasn't enough clarity to cultivate an engineered purpose. No purpose; no motivation. This lack of motivation is apparent to everyone. And I fear, for as long as my motivations remain undefined, my empty progress will leave me with unwanted burdens.
My fate without purpose: to be emptier still with more to carry.
Define purpose. Find clarity. Seek passion. Live with purpose, clarity, and passion.
Unearthing my identity leaves my world deconstructed to its foundation, to be rebuilt anew. The problem? This takes work, time, energy, and internal resources I may not possess. In the end, it might not be worth the effort. Giving into this temptation for change forces others to reconstruct as well, to varying and uncertain extents. And I am obliged to their rights to personal conviction. From an external perspective, despair lies with either option. From that perspective, the choice is obvious. I hesitate because I lack the energy, inspiration, and ability to build my own legacy, or so I fear.
My Choice: to proceed with deconstruction, though reconstruction remains an uncertain dread.
By epiphany, I now know that together the help I haven't asked for and effort I haven't put in have led me to apparent ruin. I only have myself to blame. But now knowing, I must look forward, take control, and make my own choices, mistaken or otherwise. As a late start in socialization cripples me, I am in need of the right resources to help me along, especially a fresh perspective to guide and help to discern illusory options. Realistically, my only expectation is to stay afloat, to be able to juggle the simplest of concerns, to at least function to the degree that a regular human being can, at least for now.
Knowing is half the battle. And while I know I cannot hope to win on my own, I must fight for my own existence.
Put in the effort. Ask for the help. Embrace progress.
Life's never fair, but so far a compromise has been keeping it somewhat manageable. The problem? The compromise is temporary. Sooner or later, the truth will spin the control out of my hands. Though it may not be my most intimidating revelation, I still fear the impending state of ruin I cannot undo, regardless of the relief it may come with. However, the Pyhrric losses suffered to this point tell me to end this struggle. Ruin may come, but at least I'll have survived. Patience has subjected me to societal standards for long enough. It is time I stop neglecting myself and act. Nightmares of heartbreak will not end until I do. In fact, I may just end all my nightmares.
However heartbreaking the worst case scenario, continued deference will only compound the nightmares of heartbreak.
End the secrecy. End the torment. End the nightmares.