Hell is Empty Progress

Contemplation:

Only momentum keeps me moving forward. The problem? It's progress without motivation. Progress for progress's sake. My perspective, clouded by everyday distractions and emotional maintenance, hasn't enough clarity to cultivate an engineered purpose. No purpose; no motivation. This lack of motivation is apparent to everyone. And I fear, for as long as my motivations remain undefined, my empty progress will leave me with unwanted burdens.

Summarization:

My fate without purpose: to be emptier still with more to carry.

Resolutions:

Define purpose.
Find clarity.
Seek passion.
Live with purpose, clarity, and passion.

1: WV; 2: R: CIII; 3: Sun; 4: WA; 5: R: Foo; 6: R: PN; 7: R: PIII; 8: WN; 9: R: CA; 10: WX...

My 20th Birthday

Technically, today is my last day as a teenager. This is something people celebrate?

I came out.

An hour before July 4th, 2008, it became official. That's really all I have to say at this moment.

Hell is Dreading Deconstruction

Contemplation:

Unearthing my identity leaves my world deconstructed to its foundation, to be rebuilt anew. The problem? This takes work, time, energy, and internal resources I may not possess. In the end, it might not be worth the effort. Giving into this temptation for change forces others to reconstruct as well, to varying and uncertain extents. And I am obliged to their rights to personal conviction. From an external perspective, despair lies with either option. From that perspective, the choice is obvious. I hesitate because I lack the energy, inspiration, and ability to build my own legacy, or so I fear.

Summarization:

My Choice: to proceed with deconstruction, though reconstruction remains an uncertain dread.

Resolutions:

Pace myself.
Trust myself.
Stay true to myself.

1: Lov; 2: Tow; 3: CK; 4: Whe; 5: CIV; 6: R: WIX; 7: CN; 8: R: CV; 9: R: Foo; 10: PX...

Hell is Unassisted Perdition

Contemplation:

By epiphany, I now know that together the help I haven't asked for and effort I haven't put in have led me to apparent ruin. I only have myself to blame. But now knowing, I must look forward, take control, and make my own choices, mistaken or otherwise. As a late start in socialization cripples me, I am in need of the right resources to help me along, especially a fresh perspective to guide and help to discern illusory options. Realistically, my only expectation is to stay afloat, to be able to juggle the simplest of concerns, to at least function to the degree that a regular human being can, at least for now.

Summarization:

Knowing is half the battle. And while I know I cannot hope to win on my own, I must fight for my own existence.

Resolutions:

Put in the effort.
Ask for the help.
Embrace progress.

1: Tow; 2: R: SQ; 3: Wor; 4: R: PVI; 5: PP; 6: CVII; 7: Char; 8: Sun; 9: SVI; 10: PII...

Hell is Uncooperative Secrecy

Contemplation:

Life's never fair, but so far a compromise has been keeping it somewhat manageable. The problem? The compromise is temporary. Sooner or later, the truth will spin the control out of my hands. Though it may not be my most intimidating revelation, I still fear the impending state of ruin I cannot undo, regardless of the relief it may come with. However, the Pyhrric losses suffered to this point tell me to end this struggle. Ruin may come, but at least I'll have survived. Patience has subjected me to societal standards for long enough. It is time I stop neglecting myself and act. Nightmares of heartbreak will not end until I do. In fact, I may just end all my nightmares.

Summarization:

However heartbreaking the worst case scenario, continued deference will only compound the nightmares of heartbreak.

Resolutions:

End the secrecy.
End the torment.
End the nightmares.

1: R: Just; 2: SII; 3: PIX; 4: R: WIX; 5: SX; 6: PIII; 7: Heir; 8: CV; 9: SIX; 10: SIII...

So It Begins Again!

So, I'm starting over. I'm so tired of me. Still, the theme of the story is self-betterment. But by experience, the way to do that is not through introspective rumination. Wide and deep holes only get wider and deeper. I'm waking up. I'm trying harder. I'm opening up. I'm taking risks. I'm letting go. I'm meditating, breathing. I'm looking for direction. I'm being myself.

I'm starting over.

To wake me up in the mornings, I'm taking an hour to reflect. I need the consistency of this. Random bouts of journaling thoughts is not enough. The purpose was fulfilled well enough. Recurring, intrusive, half-formed thoughts were streamlined when they were slowed down and written down. Of course, that left room for new, even less developed thoughts filled my head and it's made it harder to work through the thoughts. Not developed enough to write down. So a forced hour will aim to end the thoughts before they form, no matter how strange, impractical, irrelevant, random, or otherwise, that they may be. End them before they trouble me. That's the goal. Typed for legibility and ease of search. So it begins again.

Hell is Low Self-Esteem

It's been almost two months since I started this blog with every intention of keeping track of my efforts to become a functional human being. Functional doesn't quite capture those two months. Here's what happened in a nutshell, in no particular order: Dropped a class I couldn't handle. Broke down emotionally, alone in my car twice in the same week. Faced the reality of the mortality of others. Faced the bigotry of those same people. Rejected the most efficient treatment to my ills. Learned the name of someone I'll never see again (not that it matters). Burdened my troubles onto the person that mattered the most. Freaked out. Literally stopped functioning. It all actually seems so trivial and pathetic listed out like that...

But through it all, I had one moment of overwhelming contentment. Being shown the approval of others. Damned that this is the only way I can derive self-esteem. It breaks the most basic existential codes to which I subscribe. I'm a hypocrite. I can't help it. It's not like I can get it from anywhere else. Sense of virtue... I have none. Support of family... As long as I'm constantly avoiding them and lying to them, it doesn't quite cut it. Sense of competency... Non-existent. It's completely my fault. I know that, but the fact remains, it doesn't exist, and that can't help. Attractiveness... I don't see it at all. What I see is utterly unappealing in so many respects... Hell may be other people, but other people don't have to be hell. I have to remember that. That may be the only way of pulling myself out of the hell of my own thoughts. It's really too bad that my moderate-to-severe case of social anxiety makes it hard to make enough of a connection with other people for me to keep afloat on a consistent basis.

I am thankful for that moment, whether I showed it or not. I am thankful.

It Has Begun

So begins this record of a shy guy's venture in self-betterment - a series of weekly summaries of the week's thoughts, emotions, observations, and memories.