Hell is Low Self-Esteem

It's been almost two months since I started this blog with every intention of keeping track of my efforts to become a functional human being. Functional doesn't quite capture those two months. Here's what happened in a nutshell, in no particular order: Dropped a class I couldn't handle. Broke down emotionally, alone in my car twice in the same week. Faced the reality of the mortality of others. Faced the bigotry of those same people. Rejected the most efficient treatment to my ills. Learned the name of someone I'll never see again (not that it matters). Burdened my troubles onto the person that mattered the most. Freaked out. Literally stopped functioning. It all actually seems so trivial and pathetic listed out like that...

But through it all, I had one moment of overwhelming contentment. Being shown the approval of others. Damned that this is the only way I can derive self-esteem. It breaks the most basic existential codes to which I subscribe. I'm a hypocrite. I can't help it. It's not like I can get it from anywhere else. Sense of virtue... I have none. Support of family... As long as I'm constantly avoiding them and lying to them, it doesn't quite cut it. Sense of competency... Non-existent. It's completely my fault. I know that, but the fact remains, it doesn't exist, and that can't help. Attractiveness... I don't see it at all. What I see is utterly unappealing in so many respects... Hell may be other people, but other people don't have to be hell. I have to remember that. That may be the only way of pulling myself out of the hell of my own thoughts. It's really too bad that my moderate-to-severe case of social anxiety makes it hard to make enough of a connection with other people for me to keep afloat on a consistent basis.

I am thankful for that moment, whether I showed it or not. I am thankful.